


Dragon's Asparagus

by Lostbedouin



Category: Original Work
Genre: ? - Freeform, Asparagus - Freeform, Cake, Cats, Crack, Dragons, F/F, Fantasy, Humor, Original Fiction, Snakes, Witches, but is it crack?, i didn't want an overload of characters, i don't remember if I left it in or not but I think weed, just one, just one witch too, nono snats, or is it just weird as fuck??, or rather dragon, pillsbury doughboy - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-21
Updated: 2018-07-21
Packaged: 2019-06-13 23:09:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15375447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lostbedouin/pseuds/Lostbedouin
Summary: A girl is slowly turning into a dragon. What to do? Obviously look for the cure, who wants to be a dragon, right? Instead she ends up stealing wine from elderly women and venting to enchanted fluff balls. But hey, she has a lead. They call it, "Dragon's Asparagus".





	Dragon's Asparagus

**Author's Note:**

> Oh gosh, so this happened. I had fun. I got my gay protagonist and gay princess and that's actually the real reason I even decided to write this. But by the end I realized I had forgotten to clarify gender in the story and thus you only know the protagonist is a girl because I'm telling you. But enjoy!

_Two miles along the path (stop at the uprooted oak tree), 1,500 paces to the right (When you pass the mill it’s 300 further from there), then 70 to the left. Find the glade, look up._

Those were the directions some batshit crazy witch gave me (before she caught me swiping some aged wine and pushed me outside of her half-collapsed shack and onto a path that reached in so many different directions it looked like my great Aunt Marsha’s homemade spaghetti). For a moment I had considered just going back, who needs a cure anyway? I mean it’s not like being a dragon could be _that_ bad right? I could roast people daily and I’d probably develop that weird habit for hoarding money which could work as a great hobby. It didn’t exactly contradict with the lifestyle I already lived; alone, wandering, surviving in what people considered less than admirable ways. I guess I would have to cut the wandering part but sacrifices must be made!

I sighed then. As much as that sounded like a nice excuse to give up on myself, I needed to at least make a genuine attempt at keeping my humanity. Yes, I had no real things tying me down, but that’s exactly the point. Being a dragon would certainly be something that ties one down.

So I stood up, brushed myself off, let out an array of swear words at how nasty that witch was and set off.

Two miles, 1,500 paces to the right later I was lost. And now here I am, throwing bark at the cat version of the pillsbury doughboy (white as hell and overweight).

“You’re fat.” I say, as I finger another piece of bark in my hand. He tilts his head. I toss the scrap of wood at him, he jumps away. We’ve been at this for ten minutes at least, he’s showing some real resolve for pillsbury catboy.

“He moves! And here I thought all movement must be limited to either rolling or bouncing...”

He seems to ignore my insult and instead starts to lick at his right paw slowly.

“You can run but you can’t hide little buddy. Come winter you’re toast, literally, I’m going to roast you and eat you first.” He looks up at me for a second, as though he’s listening. I’m lonely. I take it as an invitation.

“Well, by winter you may not be enough to feed me you know.” I pick up another piece of bark and feel the rough edges between my fingertips, nice feeling, almost therapeutic. “Despite how immensely huge you are I’ll be about 100 times this size.”

He does another head tilt.

“Roughly the size of a dragon” I add.

Of course, I know he’s not listening, but he’s doing a great job pretending like he is as he pads his way closer to me. I’ve spent 10-12 minutes with this cat, I feel like we’re bonding, so I continue.  
“That’s right, a dragon. Big, fire-breathing, obsession with gems, horribly bad breath and apparently have issues with scale acne?? Not really sure if that last one’s true but I guess I’ll find out soon enough, huh.”

My eyes had trailed away from the cat for a minute as I talked but when I look back down and I swear he nods. I raise an eyebrow.

“Not like you would understand, but you know when you hear of a really big break, maybe something that could get you enough cash to possibly buy your way into being a knight (or something, this is just an example, I’m sure you have very different kitsbury catboy dreams). But people say it’s very iffy and not something you should mess with because ‘There’s a witch involved!!’ and ‘You could get cursed!!!’.”

Another nod, I’m for sure delusional.

“Well I might have heard about one of those sweet deals, and I might have gotten involved with said witch and I might have ended up with a curse that is progressively turning me into a dragon.” I pause for a moment and let my head lean against the trunk of the tree. “So then I think, ‘Hey, maybe if I find a different witch she can give me a cure, right?’ So I look for a different witch here, the godforsaken Wood of Dragons (of all places) and find a crazy old woman who is really concerned about her wine not being stolen.” I drop the bark. “But despite her lack of empathy towards my need for a drink I get directions to a garden, an enchanted garden, with enchanted plants and this thing called Dragon’s Asparagus. I’m not even kidding about that, it’s called Dragon’s Asparagus.”

The cats eyes are saucers, it’s almost cute.

“But as you can see I’m not in a garden eating Dragon’s Asparagus I’m right here, throwing bark at you. And now this,”

I shove my sleeve up, revealing a grotesque array of black scales crawling up my flesh.

“will soon become me.” I pull my sleeve down and rest my elbows on my knees, head dipping down between my legs. “But hey, you know, it’s not so bad. Being a dragon doesn’t sound so bad. It doesn’t bother me much or anything.”

My voice trails off into a moment of silence which is then interrupted by an empathetic moew reminding me that I’ve just spilled my guts to a literal ball of fluff with eyes. I sigh and stand up. The sun is beginning to dip below the horizon and here is not a place I want to stay for the night. I feel strangely hesitant about leaving the fluffball.

“See you Darrin.” I say to the cat with a wave. I turn towards the way (I think) I came and am about to head out when I’m stopped by an angry, gravelly voice.

“My name isn’t fucking Darrin, it’s Bernard.” I stop. Turn. Look around. Nothing’s there...just, the cat. I look at the cat, his eyes are still massive and he still looks like an adorable ball of fat fluff. No way.

“Haha, show yourself, dipshit.” I say in the general direction of the voice.

“I’m right here, _dipshit_ ,” Ohhhhh shit, it is the cat. “and who’s the idiot now, huh? Look who was talking to a cat this entire time. It’s been what? 10-15 minutes of you spilling your guts?”

“To a _talking_ cat!” I say, defending myself against a cat for god knows what reason.

“Talking cat, not talking cat, tomato, tomato.” he responds, tossing the acorn he’d been holding against the tree.

“You do realize you just pronounced tomato the same way twice.”

“Well how am I supposed to say it both ways without breaking the flow for the reader.”

“Good point, but now you just broke the fourth wall.”

He huffs.

“So you want to go the garden, huh kid?”

I nod. Maybe I’m in shock or something, this is a lot to take in (though it should be believable for a person who’s getting turned into a dragon it’s not. Talking cats are not normal, okay?).

“Alright, well I can take you as long as you help me find the plant that will break my curse too.”

My brow knits in confusion. “Wait you’re cursed too?”

He rests his head in his tiny hand and sighs, “Yes, obviously, how many talking cats do you run into buddy?”

“Not many.” I admit. “Why can’t you just get it yourself though?”

“For once thing, I’m small, for another, I’m fat, and for a third they keep the stuff I need inside.”

“It sounds like you’ve been there several times before.”

“It’s where I got cursed.”

I raise an eyebrow. “So you have a sob story too?”  
He gives me a small, melancholic, fat cat nod and looks longingly off into the distance with his saucer eyes. “Don’t we all…” He starts to take a breath in as if to launch into a speech about life the universe and everything.

I throw some bark at him (he dodges much to my dismay). “Don’t get all philosophical on me, I hate that shit.”

I turn around and he pads next to me, somehow still not rolling, but hopping. “Come on kid, loosen up. Also, you’re going the wrong way.”

I scowl, “Get lost, catsbury.”

“So you know where the garden is then?”

“No, but who says I don’t want to be a dragon??”

He stops rolling and somehow gives me an un-cute stare. “You two minutes ago, must we recap the dramatic reveal of your arm?”

My face twists into a bigger frown. “Fine, it’s a deal Darrin.”

“Bernard! My name is Bernard!”

 

A mile and three philosophical speeches later I have given up on living. Darrin seems to be physically incapable of shutting the fuck up and the leaves I’m using as earplugs honestly don’t work very well.

I’m interrupted from my deep thoughts about strawberry pie by an irritated yowl. I pull out my leaves.

“WE’RE HERE YOU FUCKING IDIOT.”

“Quiet down, catsbury, I can hear you.”

“Hmph.”

I frown and he flicks his tail at my leg.

“Be peeved all you want, you’re the one who was droning on about ‘The purpose of life is yarn!!’ and ‘All is nothing except mice!’”.

His fat cat face snaps around. “Just because you don’t believe it doesn’t make it any less true.”

“Listen catnip, if I wanted to sit and philosophize I’d be out buying a dragon sized toga right now not sneaking into a garden for asparagus.”

Bernard ignores me and jumps from the tree he was sitting in up onto the wall in front of us in one impossibly graceful fat cat leap.

“So unfair…” I mumble.

“What’s that?!” he purrs. “I can’t hear you! ”

“Get lost Garfield!”

And he does. And then I realize I don't really know how to get in.

I sigh.

The wall looks about thirty feet tall to me. It's big. And stone. And has no visible footholds. I decide my best bet is to do catnip’s little tree jump trick and pull myself up onto the nearest oak.

Who needs that fluff balls help anyway? I can climb and shit, I've scaled walls before. Hell, I've climbed a wall carrying two sacks of temple valuables, a hot girl on my back, bread in my mouth and guards in pursuit (in my dreams).

In a couple minutes I'm at the top of the tree. I am, however, still ten feet from the top of the wall. I have to admit, the jump is intimidating.

“Dragon wings would be really great right now…” I mutter.

_“Ohhh! Yes! Flying would be lovely!”_ Comes a soft voice from the other side of the wall. I swear it literally sounds like air, but a voice. Definitely not catsbury.

“Uh…what? Who's there?!” I scream to the other side.

_“Lalalala.”_ Comes the reply.

“I get that the reader is supposed to think you're singing! But seriously ‘lalalala’? Can you not do better?”

_“LALALALALA!!”_ Comes the angry reply fading into the distance.

I can feel my mouth stretching into a flat line. As angry as that singing was...it was a really nice voice. I shake my head and look back towards my goal. Did the gap get bigger? And why does the ground seem like it's further away. No, the better question is, why is the ground swaying?

I look around me and suddenly realize the tree around me moving, branches twisting upward and roots curling out. The trunk seems to expand and stretch. Suddenly, I'm ten feet above the wall.

I pat the tree and smile. The branch I'm on is slowly lowered down and I slide with it, jumping off the descending limb and onto the top of the wall.

“Thanks, buddy.” I salute. Its branch waves back. I feel ecofriendly.

“Glad to see you could make it.” Comes a familiar snotty tone from down below.

“I feel loved.” I reply, descending the convenient steps on this side of the wall I really wish had been on the outside too. “So what now?”

“Now we have to break a wall.” He says, licking a paw.

“Break a wall?” I raise an eyebrow. “Why…?”

He doesn't reply immediately and instead languidly stretches his fat cat body, tail flicking in the air, mouth wide open in a long slow yawn.

“I'll tell you,” he finally says, “after you break my spell.”

I groan. “And how do we do that?”

“Time to go inside.” He purrs.

 

It’s disappointingly easy to get inside. Turns out the only thing standing between that fat cat and his goal is the lack of a kitty door anywhere. Though the front door is the only point of entrance the damn thing is unlocked and everything.

Inside looks a lot like you would expect. Oh, yeah, I forgot to say that to start with the outside is a castle.

But anyway, the inside ends up being pretty generic for a castle. Candles, red carpet everywhere, really hard floors, and walls, and stairs, mainly because everything is made of stone. There are paintings here and there but I'm relatively sure they're cursed because they contain things like people screaming “help, I'm stuck in a painting!”

That being said, fluffball is off before I can catch a good glimpse of the paintings or really anything else and I'm running up the stairs after him before I can hear the end of someone’s “I'm more than acrylics!”.

“Here we are.” he says gravely.

“Where is here.” I say just as seriously.

“Look, dumbass.”

I follow his feline gaze towards a small circular table. On it is an ornate wooden box. I open it. It's empty.

“It's empty.”

“Are you stupid! Put the box lid on my head!”

“Uh, okay?” I put it on his head. And then watch in horror as catsburry begins to vomit…something. “You are kidding me.” I mumble.

It's like green slime tumbling out of his mouth, but it's hard? It's like a, a worm? No, no. It's like…

“Hssss.”

“SNAKE!!” I scramble as far away as possible which ends up being about three feet back into a corner. “CATSBURRY YOU WERE ANNOYING BUT YOU DIDN'T DESERVE TO DIE VOMITING UP THE MOST HORRENDOUS OF GOD'S CREATURES HERE ON THIS EARTH!”

“You are _ssssuch_ an idiot.” comes the hiss of a reply. “ _I'm_ the snake dragon tales!”

“WHAT?!? HOW IS A TALKING SNAKE AN UPGRADE FROM A TALKING CAT?!”

He flicks his tongue. “Significantly less weight. Now let's get out of here you don't want to anger the resident.”

He slithers down the stairs.

I try to move. And I mean I really give it my best. But, well, it might be stupid to hear this from someone turning into a dragon, but I have a paralyzing fear of reptiles. Especially snakes.

“Sssslowpoke! Are you coming?”

I shudder.

“What do we have to do to get the asparagus just tell me and I can get it done on my own!” I yell down.

“It'ssss complicated!”

“EXPLAIN _FROM DOWN THERE_ THEN.”

“I already told you, you have to break the wall!!”

“Which wall?!?”

“The fourth wall!”

“We've already done that!!”

“Not that one!”

“THEN WHICH WALL?!”

“The fourth wall of the garden obviousssly! Behind it is the ssspecial plantsss!”

“Special plants…” I say under my breath.

“Oh!!” I hear two hand claps of apparent excitement. “It was a visitor!”

My eyes shoot up and I realize I'd been so concentrated on not being around the snake I'd let someone sneak up on me. But not just someone, she looks like a princess. Her hair is all gold and shiny and she has those really generically gorgeous blue eyes and then the porcelain skin. Even a pink dress with bows on it. And on top of that I definitely recognize that lighter than air voice.

“Ah!” I let out.

“You must be here to break a spell!” She says happily.

I scoot nervously into my corner and can feel a bit of a blush climbing my cheeks. Stupid, stupid.

“Uh...yeah.” I answer. That is such a dumb reply. I should have said something like “If the curse is your heart...then yes, I am definitely here to break it. Into tiny little pieces because I am a total player.” Girls I’ve met eat that kind of stuff up.

“Cynthia can definitely help you!” She says cheerfully, twirling a lock of golden hair.

“Who is Cynthia?” I blurt out rather awkwardly. And I can't believe I'm further screwing up this perfectly good chance to get a date.

Suddenly she throws herself forward into me, hugging my torso tight. What the hell…

“Cynthia is me, silly!” She giggles. “Now let's go break your curse.”

Which we never ended up doing because Dragon’s Asparagus doesn't even exist, but it's okay because Cynthia turned out to be mildly insane but also extremely likable and accepted me despite me being a dragon and now we live in a cave with an ill tempered snake named Bernard.

The end.

P.S. Scale Acne is a thing

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
